


moments (your life, your voice, your reason to be)

by haylssunflowerx



Series: rewritten || songfics and one-shots [1]
Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Inspired by Music, POV Second Person, Song: Moments (One Direction), Songfic, Tags Are Hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25710676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haylssunflowerx/pseuds/haylssunflowerx
Summary: it hurts the most when everything you know of reminds you of her.
Relationships: Tori Vega/Jade West
Series: rewritten || songfics and one-shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1864657
Comments: 9
Kudos: 26





	moments (your life, your voice, your reason to be)

**Author's Note:**

> the song is "moments" by one direction.

It's another tiring day at set, but that doesn't stop the thoughts, crawling and invading your mind like a virus. As you enter your dark apartment, your brunette hair tousled and tangled from the long day, you set your bag down on the chair by the door and make your way to the shower.

As you glance wearily at the figure in the mirror with tangled brown hair, only traces of makeup left, and dark bags under her coffee-brown eyes, you let out a shuddering exhale. It trembles like your hands as they reach towards the bottom of your shirt to take off, and you can't bother to meet the gaze of the identical girl in the mirror as you strip down to nothing, stepping into the running water of your cold, cold shower.

You don't even flinch as the cold water rains down on you, and you show no sign of relaxation even as the water fades to a comfortable, warm temperature.

You spend way too much time in the shower thinking, and you barely wash your hair and body before stepping out of the small space and drying yourself, putting your hair up in your towel, and slipping into your pajamas.

Like today and any other day, it's a large, dark grey t-shirt and grey sweatpants, because it's what _she_ always used to wear to sleep.

Every day, when you put it on, you bring the soft fabric to your nose, trying and trying to smell her in her clothes, trying to bring back whatever memory is left. But really, all you can smell is yourself, covering any remains of her scent left.

You slip on the shirt that was once hers, that once fit around her body perfectly, but now, only hangs loosely around yours. You step into the sweatpants that were once hers, pulling it up to your waist, feeling it against your legs, knowing she once felt the same fabric against her legs too.

She never had a robe so you wear your own, a soft baby pink color, a striking contrast to the rest of your clothes, and tie it tightly, walking to the kitchen in her slippers for a drink.

And of course, you use her mug, black, with scissor patterns engraved onto the edges, because even though she loved scissors, she still loved you more.

You slip quietly out the door to the balcony, in one hand, holding the mug of Belgian hot cocoa, something you always made for her and her only, and the other hand slowly fingering the heart-shaped locket, worn around your neck that has her name engraved in it in her handwriting, a stone pressed into the top— a jade— and it opens, where a picture of her lies.

Opening it slowly, your heart cracks painfully as the black and white picture seems to shine above everything else. It's the picture of the two of you on your one-year anniversary, in Yerba, because maybe it's not such a war-torn country anymore and the white-sand beaches are actually beautiful.

You're in a purple sundress because you love purple, and it falls right down to your ankles, flowing behind you with the wind. Your arms are wrapped around her neck, your lips pressed gently to her pale cheek, and anyone could tell that you were happy.

She's in a dazzling black lace dress, her black hair pulled up halfway, the bottom half curled gently, her smile from one ear to another. It's rare you see someone like her so happy. She's smiling as if the world would have ended the day after.

You gulp, because little did she know, her life would be taken exactly four years after.

And on the back of the locket? The words engraved in it are special to both you and Jade because it's the first time you called her pretty without her asking for it.

_A pretty pink idiot._

And suddenly, memories from ten years ago begin flooding back, from high school to her last day, and before you can break into a sobbing mess on the floor, you snap the locket shut and look at the city before you.

 **_shut the door_ ** **_  
_** **_turn the light off_ **

You shut the door behind you, letting the cool breeze blow at the exposed skin on your slightly damp neck. You hit the switch next to the door, exhaling in relief as the balcony lights flicker off, leaving you and the balcony in a peaceful darkness that only brightens the sky a little more.

The Hollywood Hills are striking, beautiful, every time of the day, and now, as you look down at Los Angeles, you get lost in the breeze as it ruffles a stray strand of your wet hair. You get lost in the sounds of cars rushing by below, the sound of the rustle of the leaves and the grass in your own backyard, and the millions of stars that dot the night sky, each a distinct point of light.

 **_i wanna be with you_ ** **_  
_** **_i wanna feel your love_ **

The brightest one shines particularly brighter than the others, standing out against the night sky, so you whisper your thanks to it for the impact on your life.

_I constantly think about the impact you have on my life. The way you just walked straight in, poured coffee on my head, made me play a dog, and straight-out hated me, but somehow we clicked. Just seeing you happy because of me, and knowing that I made someone feel happy like that is crazy to me._

_I hope you're happier than I am up there, and it comforts me to know you're watching over me, possibly proud that I was able to pick myself up when the person I trusted most wasn't there to pick me up. Oh, how I just wish you were down here next to me._

**_i wanna lay beside you_ ** **_  
_** **_i cannot hide this_ ** **_  
_** **_even though i try_ **

_The bed feels so cold without you, and it's too big for just me. Many times at night, I roll over to wrap my arms around something, but you're not there, just the cold, empty bed, and I'm sucked into this all over again. And whenever I'm not thinking about you, every small detail reminds me of you._

_The coffee air freshener in the car, the tub of cinnamon mints by the front door, the succulents lining the windows and plants hanging from the wall handpicked by you when I didn't know how much of a plant mom you were. The smell of the apartment every time I enter, the way everything remotely green or blue just brings me to your dazzling eyes,_ you whisper underneath your breath to that brighter star, because you know it's a gift from God tonight, and it's her.

_I love you, Jade._

**_heart beats harder_ ** **_  
_** **_time escapes me_ **

With the way your lips form her name, you can feel your pulse pick up, just slightly, and suddenly, everything in nature reminds you of something about her.

The cool breeze on your exposed neck brings you back to the time when you first started dating, when you convinced Jade to walk around the block with you, no matter how much she had insisted it was only for old people.

The thousands of stars dotting the beautiful dark blue night sky brings you back to the time when you stargazed by the Hollywood sign, and the dark blue brings flashbacks of the dark blue streaks in her raven hair.

You've been outside for an hour, but it only seems like a short while, and you finish your cocoa and glance at the words printed on the bottom of Jade's mug, and your heart cracks again.

_I love you._

"It's a reminder that I'll always love you, no matter what," you had said, as you gifted her the mug on her birthday her sophomore year in college.

And the balcony? It was Jade's spot to think, where you would find her every morning when she woke up.

The thought that just a year ago, she stood in this exact place makes your pulse race, so you shake the thought away and into the kitchen, rinsing the mug and placing it back where it belonged, on the top shelf of the left-most cabinet.

 **_trembling hands touch skin,_ ** **_  
_** **_it makes this harder_ **

It comes back.

The way your hand cradled hers softly, intertwining your fingers, just moments before she slipped away. The way her arm trembled to reach out towards your face one last time, the way you could feel the soul leave her through the ventilator and tubes going in and out of her body, the way her hand seemed to fall limp, just before she... _no._

You can't take it anymore, and you throw yourself onto your bed, shaking your head frantically, almost maniacally, knowing there's nothing that can ever stop these thoughts, because they're here forever, and they're never going to leave, and you'll be left with them until the day you join her amongst the stars.

The stars.

Oh, how much you would love to be up there with her.

**_and the tears stream down my face_ **

You hold the pillow that was once hers to your chest, wrapping all four limbs around it, because it's the closest thing to hugging her.

Immediately, tears are falling, rolling slowly your flushed cheeks, dripping between your lips, and you wince at the salty taste, but it doesn't stop anything, because it's too late.

You're a trembling, sobbing, mess on your own bed, squeezing the life out of that pillow because you need her now and she's not here to fulfill you.

 **_if we could only have this life for one more day_ ** **_  
_** **_if we could only turn back time_ **

_What if_ , you whisper to the stars, voice cracking as the last of the tears leave your eyes. _What if we just had one more day?_

_Would anything be different? I would have had the chance to tell you and show you how much I loved you. I would have been there for you, held you close, and let me be yours. I would have pressed myself against you, skin against skin, because little did I know that... I would never see you again._

**_you know I'll be your life, your voice_ ** **_  
_** **_your reason to be_ **

You push your knees up to your chest and cover yourself with your blanket, trying to surround yourself in a cocoon of peace and warmth. And you try to pretend she's the one hugging you, but it's hard when she's not here.

You always wonder if she knows how much you would be willing to give for her. How much you would sacrifice to put her first, to be with her, to give her the best. You wonder if she knows that you love her more than words and songs and music and anything can ever express, so you try your best to find a way to describe it, but the best thing you can come up with is, _I love you more than you'll ever know._

And somehow, she can still say, _I love you more._

 **_my love, my heart_ ** **_  
_** **_is breathing for this_ **

Through the pillow, you can feel your heart pumping, steady and strong, and you're whisked back to the time when you thought you had no hope.

 _Tori_ , she had said, pressing the softest kiss imaginable to your lips before taking her hand in yours. _Place your hand over your heart._

You did, feeling the steady rhythm of the organ, pumping blood to the rest of the body.

_You feel that? That's purpose right there. Your heart isn't going to quit, ever, until past your final breath, because it's going to keep going, and pumping, and fighting, just like you fought for us back in high school. And you need to keep fighting._

**_moment in time_ **

And you had smiled, feeling the purpose in you, and you captured her lips in a slow and soft kiss, before whispering in her ear over and over again how much you loved her, because you both knew no matter the amount of times you said it, it would never equal or even come close to how much you actually loved her.

**_i'll find the words to say_ **

She had responded with, _I love you more_ , and flattered, not being able to picture in that small head of yours how much she actually loved you, you only responded:

_Never stop._

**_before you leave me today._ **

Your brain is exhausted from the unnecessary thoughts, so you slip into unconsciousness easily, the pillow in your grip still, and your dreams are clouded by a girl with ocean eyes.

You don't see her, but you know it's really her, and your breath gets caught in your throat, your heart beats a little faster, and the corners of your lips turn up into the slightest smile— the only smile you've had in a long time— as you hear the sound of her voice.

She's singing, her low and raspy voice filling your ears like music, and you know the song, but you don't sing along, because you can't miss her voice.

_Shelter my eyes from the sun and wait for the birds to fly by, trying to reach anyone and know what they're feeling inside, deep in my head now, it's like I'm dreaming._

She appears before you, strong and awake and alive, and you can't move. All you can do is stare and smile and get lost in her ocean eyes.

So you do. You stop and stare, until you're swallowed by a neverending sea of green and blue.

**Author's Note:**

> the moment i heard this song, i knew i wanted to write a songfic about it. i just didn't know it would be this... sad. thanks for reading, and it would be greatly appreciated if you leave a review (or dump some kudos, for that matter). 
> 
> more jori coming soon (with... happier endings), so stick around!
> 
> ~ h ♡
> 
> "if we could only have this life for one more day."  
> ~ moments, one direction.
> 
> and now, a reflection:
> 
> have you ever wondered and looked back at the people that once made an impact on your life, the ones that came in, leaving a crater bigger than one you could fill up? i guess they weren't meant to be there in the long run. and i know what you're thinking: what if, we had just one more day, twenty-four more hours to spend time with each other, before they leave? what would be different? i'll never know.


End file.
